The Geography of the Ummah

2 10 2007

Prelude: I wrote this particular piece almost a year ago and it was well received so I thought I should post it again for the new audience and even for old audience who may miss it.


After doing some research on the geography of the Muslim world I was saddened by the fact that there is not a single reliable (or even unreliable) guide to the geography of the Muslim world. Consequently I had to contact Muslim luminaries in geography like Al-Idrisi and Al-Biruni to help me create such a guide. Both of them respectfully declined and sent me to Google Earth citing the laziness of modern Muslims who just like to be “proud of their illustrious forefathers” as a cop out of not doing anything worthwhile themselves. The words of Al-Idrisi and Al-Biruni have inspired me to write a series on the geography of the ummah. With these words I welcome to the world of Middled-Earth. First some history of the Muslims, also known as Moslems or Muzlum in the lands further to the West. The once great and proud (now a days only proud) people called Muslims are divided into a number of petty kingdoms. The most prominent of these kingdoms are as follows:
Bizzareistan: The nation of Bizzareistan came into being after a series of seemingly benign incidences which shall be explored later. The formal declaration of the Republic of Bizzareistan which is in fact an unconstitutional monarchy masked a dictatorship was sometime in the late 18th century. There is no consensus on the date however. The most interesting thing about this country is that really bizarre things happen in this country without a reason and the physical and ‘mental’ boundaries of the country are changing all the time. Women are not allowed to vote in this country and in some counties they are not even allowed to leave the house. To ensure the enforcement of this rule some of the houses are even protected by force fields. One of the counties even considered banning the existence of women altogether so that they would never be able to tempt men. Fortunately the law was not passed. Celebrating birthdays in this country is a crime except that of the founder and all cults are banned except the cult of personality. In recent years there has been an alarming trend toward migration of many people from other Muslim countries to this country.

Desiland: The country of Desiland consists of a number of autonomous or semi-autonomous states bound loosely in a confederation. The confederation is in fact so loose that sometimes the member states actually fight amongst themselves without either of the states withdrawing from the union. In some places infighting has even evolved into a long held tradition.

Dreamland: Geographers have been trying to pin point the exact location of this country for centuries now but to no avail. The main problem is that most of the state actually consists of castles in the air. In recent years the application for immigration to this country from other Muslim countries has substantially increased so that it is not rare to see multi-story castles in the air these days. There country is actually divided into two main provinces: “What-if -abad” and “Our-Ancestors-were-great-istan.” Although Muslims of all races, ethnic and linguistic groups are represented in this country, the most prominent feature of the population of this country is laziness.

Large-Giant-Big-Time Muslim’stan: The residents of this country are really big time Muslims who usually come from upper middle class, have a steady flow of income. The country is known for extravagant spending, huge monuments, weekly conferences and seminars on all things Islam. The territory that formerly comprised this country had a number of poor and lower Middle class Muslims as its residents. These people were ignored by the Big Time residents of the new country as if they did not exist. The original residents gradually migrated to other Muslim countries so that in this Giant Big Time state you will only find Big Time Muslims who claim to have solved all the problems in the region. The claim is rather strange because just across the border there are people, Muslims and non-Muslims who do not have enough to eat.

Prograsia: The foundational basis of this country was supposed to be progressive ideology but this is no longer the case. The residents of this newly created country are descendants of lefties who became even more lefties. Initially the founders of this country had a few good ideas but in the course of less than a year the country degenerated into a safe haven for far-left post-modernist anything goes types with the result that the capital city now even rivals, some even say surpasses, Amsterdam for notoriety of its citizen’s lax behavior.

In addition to the aforementioned countries refugees from the once mighty country ‘Sirat-al-Mustaqeen’ are scattered all over the world, in both Muslim and non-Muslim countries. In all these countries the people have become model citizens and beacon of light and hope for all humankind, dedicating themselves to helping other humans and showing the world that they are following the example of the prophet (peace be upon him) who was the mercy to all mankind. There have been talks of resurrecting this country for many years suitable leadership has not been found to date.

This is just an incomplete list of the geography of the Ummah, I encourage other people to send in their contributions about other Muslim countries or even travelogues of the countries that I have mentioned or have not mentioned over here.

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